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RowenaR
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read my profile
sign my guestbook
Country: Germany
Birthday: 5/15/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: Fencing, judo, reading (really, that's one of my hobbies, I actually *do* like it!), painting (not that I'm any good in it... but I love colours ;))
Expertise: Talking weird stuff, annoying people with talking *too much* weird stuff... oh, and I can talk really weird stuff!
Occupation: Administrative
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
MSN: jacksgirl1505@hotmail.com
ICQ:  169311239
Member Since:
8/10/2003
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| Mood: contend | listening to: "The Lover after me", Savage Garden |
Things I should be doing instead: going to bed (tomorrow it's back to
work :p)
Okay.
This one is a short one, I guess. Just wanted to say that my New Year's
Eve party was a really nice one (although the friend that helped me
prepare it kept saying that actually we are still too young for a
dinner party), with nice food and nice guests and nice games and
everything. I liked that one. And I'm actually looking forward to the
next one.
Anyway, why this entry? Because of New Year's resolutions. I think I'll
post them here and then keep you and myself and everyone who's
interested in it (hello, stalker brigade!) up-dated on how far I'm with
fulfillung them.
1. Losing weight - about 4 to 5 kilos would be nice
2. Regular training attendance - at least 3 times a week, judo and fencing
3. Becoming better at handling private paper work - at least more sorting sessions of paper work backlog than last year
4. Reading more "serious" news - i.e. daily reading of at least one
major nationwide newspaper and one major regional newspaper and weekly
reading of one major news magazine
5. Attending at least three off-the-job training seminars - first
important step: talk to boss about training plan for every employee
6. Executing boring and/or unpleasant tasks right away - i.e. stop habit of procrastinating
7. Getting to used to a more normal biorhythm - i.e. going to be earlier and getting up earlier as well
Well, I guess, that's it more or less. We'll see how that'll play out...
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| Mood: terrific (no sarcasm in it, this time, I swear it) | Listening
to: "Two beds and a coffee machine", Savage Garden | Things I should be
doing instead: Going to bed. Definitely. That's an unhealthy habit I'm
developing here...
Yo.
Back in the USSR.... errr, on Xanga, I mean. And a special hello to the
whole stalker brigade. Howdy, folks! *friendly waves to the crowd
wearing trench coats, hats and sunglasses
Anway, I guess, this is the first entry ever where I can truly say:
Life's great, people. And really, I should, after an absence like that.
But then again, I've never been really good with regular diary writing.
Hm... drifting off here again, I think. So... what do I have to write
about? Oh yeah, plenty.
Plenty of reviewers on ff.net (I even got one that stayed awake half
the night only to finish my latest Star Wars story... now, is that cool
or what? *eys lighting up like Lt. Col. Sheppard ones'), new job, new
flat, lots of money (and even
more, if my boss wouldn't be even more out of it than me... but we'll
get this sorted out eventually) and the best thing: being allowed to
set my own working hours. Well, for now, that is, but as long as I can
use it, I'll do it. Only thing that I'm lacking is a proper office, but
I think my boss is working on that. And when I have one, we're gonna go
shopping! To IKEA! With my boss's money. Whoohoo! Shiny, isn't it?
Errr, okay, I'm sounding pretty hyper, don't I? Maybe that's what
happens when someone develops such a strange bio rhythm like mine, but
what can I say? I'm definitely a night person, always getting her best
ideas at odd hours.
On the other hand... maybe my
hyperness does have something to do with the fact that tomorrow I'm
gonna be a rich woman, even if only for a few days. My first salary
came in, and my... I haven't seen that much money on my account for
like... over four years, I'd say. Okay, so I need to pay my rent and
the second rate for my flat's deposit and some debts to my grandma and
some club fees, but even after that there will be enough left to buy me
a new laptop and maybe some extra treats such as the complete
Firefly-DVD-collection (I'm gonna get me that thing for Christmas
myself if no one else is :p) or "Bride&Prejudice" on DVD or maybe a
nice OST and some books. Ha, I'm a rich woman now :p And I'm keeping
that all for myself (okay, apart from the money I'm going to spend for
Christmas presents, obviously). YAY!
Oh, well, what else? Oh yeah, new flat. Terrific thing, that one. I'm
living in a place completely my own now, and I still can't really
believe it's mine (well, for rent, obviously, but that's not the point
here). Two rooms, balcony, heater in the bath (only with a shower, but
really, it was balcony or tub, and what's cooler, huh? HUH?), laminate,
high ceilings... just perfect. Oh, and obviously now internet access,
too ;) But the bestest thing (yes, occasionally they do use this form of colloquial English - go check it on various ff.net-A/N, if you don't believe me) of all: Noooooooooo flat mates whatso-fucking-ever! YEEHAH!!!
The only things that now are lacking are a proper bed (I still use the
one I had in the students' home), a proper couch, an eating table and
various smaller things, but I'll get them over time. The most important
things are here, and I do get enough money to buy the other things,
only just not all together. Just one step at a time, I'd say. Oh yeah,
and a cat. I really do want a cat, but I guess I need to wait until
I've got most of the essential things that are lacking, because I need
to be settled down a little before getting myself a pet.
But when I get a cat, it either
has to be a cat I can call Buttercup, Princess of Hammersmith (that
would have to be an auburn female cat who is a bit clumsy and a bit
thick, but not really stupid - well, you know, just like
Buttercup in Goldmann's "Princess Bride") or a tomcat whom I can call
Mal (dark or stripped male cat that is a bit of a rogue and doesn't
want to be everybody's darling - well, overall reminding everyone
(everyone, who knows him, that is) of Captain Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds of
"Firefly"/"Serenity"). Or... oh well, just any cat would do fine.
Anyway, I guess I should finally go to bed since I decided not to work
at home tomorrow (which means that at some time I do have to appear in
my temporary office) and I've been awake until 4 in the morning
yesterday. So,yeah, that's it for the moment.
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| Mood: well, better than last time at any rate | listening to: "Er
gehört zu mir", Marianne Rosenberg | Things I should be doing instead:
working on the stupid research assignment my boss gave me as a mean to
torture me
Well.
I don't know how long it's been since I wrote the last time (all right,
I *do* know it, I only need to have a look at the date of my last
entry, but let's just overlook this, okay?), but it sure feels like an
eternity. I don't even know why I didn't write for such a long time,
maybe because I just didn't feel like it. And surely because I haven't
had enough time (like now, when I *really* should be working on that
bloody research assignment crap).
After the thing with Sebastian finally terminated (I will say something
to that later), I concentrated more on my political work, and soon
became imensely immersed in it. Not only because we founded a left-wing
university group but also because at the end of may the chancellor
announced advanced elections, and all of our people are needed in the
campaign. I have been to a community policy conference, a socialist
summer camp (which I will also write about later... and from which I
need a year's recovery now, I think...), several meetings, am member of
the youth campaign planning circle, spokeswoman of the left-wing
university group... so you see I didn't fall into a bottomless abyss as
I always felt I would when Sebastian and I were still talking.
And well, that's the first thing. After the talk in march, I didn't
hear anything from him, and it still continues (I sent him a
birthday-SMS, but got no reply... I think, that's it more or less), but
I heard something from his (stupidstupidstupid) girlfriend. My
ICQ-friend who is still in touch with her (I guess... we don't talk
much these days, which will be also explained later) told me she would
like Sebastian and me to talk to each other again.
You can imagine how angry that made me, right? I mean, does she really
think she has *any* right to decide anything about this whole affair???
And then my ICQ-friend made me even angrier, because after several
attempts of squeezing it out of him he admitted that none of the
Ingenious Pair Of Meddlers With Other Peoples Lifes had even *tried* to
find out how Sebastian thought of the whole thing.
I mean, hello??? It was *him* who finally terminated the friendship, so
only *he* could reinvoke it. How stupid was it to think that it would
do *any* good to ask *me* if I wanted to talk to him again? Really, how
stupid can two people be? And how conceited and self-righteous? Madame
wants her boyfriend and his ex best friend to talk to each other again,
her boyfriend and his ex best friends have to talk to each other again
or what? First she does everything to destroy the friendship and then
she feels guilty for it and meddles with our lifes *again*? Oh dear.
And Mr "Stop blaming it all on her" isn't better. Even *thinking* about
helping her with such a stupid scheme is a severe offence, but *doing*
it is... I mean... he's *my* goddamm ICQ-friend. He knew *me* for over
four years. And what does he do? Coaxing something out of me and rising
hopes he never would have risen if he had stopped worshipping Madame
and started actually thinking for at least *one* second. He could have
saved me a lot of pain, thank you very much. And that's the reason why
this friendship cooled down as well. Congratulations, oh Queen of the
Multiple Exclamation Marks of Doom and the Grammactically Challenged
(yes, I mean you, Stalker Girl). Just another friendship you ruined
successfully. I hope it makes you feel good.
Errr, okay, that was enough bitterness for today, now for something
completely different (yay, I finally found a way to use that Monty
Python quote! Go me!). As I told you before, I went on a socialist
summer camp two weeks ago. I went there with a group of other young
Thuringian left people. We started right after the party conference
where the candidates for the election list were chosen and arrived in
Ratzeburg (a little town in the north of Germany, with a nice lake
nearby) in the middle of the night.
The following week the weather was something between dead cold (for
august, that is... but every cold night meant a clear view on the whole
milky way), slippery wet (I still feel very proud of my little cheap,
old tent which not even once soaked through), stormy (and the tent
didn't bow to the storm either... go tent!) and sunny (which was a
rather rare occasion).
As for entertainment we had a lot of political workshops (of which, to
my shame, I only attented three) and a ralley. Through a swamp. In the
middle of the night. Now, how stupid is that? I mean, who would get the
idea that the orga team would actually and deliberately set two posts
in the middle of a swamp? Right, we didn't get the idea either, and
because of that we didn't walk like 500 m through the swamp but 2 km,
with quite a bit of the lake's reed belt included (well, there at least
the ground was firm...). But in the end these are the kind of camp
adventures you still talk about even years later, and I think just
because of that I really don't want to miss the whole affair.
But - and with that unfortunately I have to come back to Sebastian once
more - I miss Sebastian. I just wish I could just call him and tell him
about the camp and the victory we as socialist youth fought against the
party executive and my fear of the future and everything. I know that
I'm over him in the sense of loving him, but I'm sure not over losing
him as a friend. At the beginning I didn't feel like missing him much
but gradually the missing grew, and now I just... I wish we would just
meet incidentally, in a place where we can't avoid each other and where
we maybe could talk everything out. But since he never answered my
birthday-SMS in which I told him that the door is always open, I guess
there isn't much interest in talking to me from his side. It hurts, and
I haven't told anyone how *much* it hurts now after several months, and
I guess I won't tell anyone for at least another couple of months, but
I just... I need to get it written down. So there.
Anyway, need to get finally working. Will stop here for now.
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| Mood: not good - physically in pain and emotionally just... numb | listening to: the TV | Things I should be doing instead: maybe eating something
Oh dear.
This day's been hell.
I woke up around 4 a.m. with the monthly cramps from hell which didn't even really stop after taking some painkillers. So around 6 a.m.or something I drifted off to sleep again but when I woke up a quarter to 8 the cramps were back again. So I showered and stuff but then decided to call in sick at work (which was - looking back - a really good decision), and around an hour later the cramps finally were back with a vengeance. So the whole day I stayed in bed and tried to sleep or watch TV and stuff and debated whether to go to judo or not.
Then I decided not to go but call Sebastian and tell him what I wanted to tell him originally at training. I told him that I want to talk to him not before the middle of april. In return he told me he doens't ever again want to talk to me. My only answer was "Okay, then that's settled.", and we hung up.
After that I just felt nothing. I think, all of this just have to sink in, and then I will feel terrible, really terrible. I can already feel my throat constricting and all that other stuff that normally precedes a real nice crying fit. At the moment I don't feel regrets or stuff and I'm not quite sure if I ever will really feel them, considering everything that happened in the past months. But I still will miss everything we had.
And the worst thing is that I still have this stupid hope in me that maybe after a few months both of us will have calmed down enough to be able to talk to each other again and start a new try and stuff. But I think he will always be bitter, never let himself see his own part in this whole fiasco, lying all the blame on me. And it will hurt seeing him at training, treating other girls like he once treated me, laughing with them like he once laughed with me and... oh no, I'm starting to cry. No, please no, I'm supposed to be tough again, self-composed, strong!
Why did I have to be so proud? I sounded really cold and arrogant and stuff. This was like burning all bridges I had left, and I know that theoretically I should be kinda proud of myself but in reality the only thing I feel is that again I am the big loser. He again managed to hurt me while he sounded totally comfortable with his decision. He almost sounded like... I don't know, not really hating me but really... Oh dear. I still somewhat cared about him but it seems he doesn't care about me anymore.
I wonder if he ever cared about me at all. I wonder if he ever really liked me or if everything was a big show, right from the beginning. I really wanted to know that. I wanted to know what this whole stalker-thing was about. I really wanted to talk. But just not right now. I really only needed time for myself to "suss everything out", how Spike would put it. And now I will never ever get the opportunity to do so again.
Yes, I know, "Never say never.", and all that crap but he sounded really like this was his final decision and he is one of those stubborn guys that stick to decisions no matter what. I feel so... I don't know. Right now there are two things I really have to hold myself back to do: writing him an e-mail explaining about everything I wanted to talk about and writing his girlfriend and e-mail saying "Okay, the whole thing is over, hope you're happy with it.". But the first thing would be useless since I've got the distinct feeling that he won't even read the mail (still, it would be worth a try - but now, I won't be coming crawling back) and the second thing would be unfair, I guess.
A the moment I don't really know what to make of everything and just hope that maybe we just need to have a little bit time for oursleves to be able to talk to each other again but I don't believe in it.
Just like I said, this day's been hell. | | |
| Mood: pissed as hell | listening to: "I want you to want me", Letters
to Cleo | Things I should be doing instead: researching those school
parliaments and... errr... stuff
Bloody hell.
Yesterday things went downstream pretty fast. But maybe I should start with last week.
Monday Sebastian came to judo at last. Before that session I got an SMS
from him saying he "only wanted to tell me that he'd come to training
and give an advance warning." I deleted it right after reading it.
Then, at the actual session I pretty much ignored him, turning my head
and pretending not to have registered anything when he came with his
usual casual "Hi." And that was pretty much it.
Tuesday the internetfriend who's been chatting with Sebastian's
girlfriend told me some interesting things about their recent
relationship development. She feels bored and doesn't think that this
thing with Sebastian will ever turn out into a long-term relationship
(well, d'uh, I could have told her that like five weeks ago...). And
that she is thinking about cheating on him just out of boredom. All of
this pissed me off like nothing else. I mean, *this* is the girl he threw away the friendship for? Well, color me furious here.
Anyway, then on the next monday I got told that he knew about her stupid e-mail all along and it seemed pretty much like he'd been the one to tell her write it. I can't express how pissed I was. I mean, hello??? What's this stupid game they are playing with me? I said "Don't call me, I'll call you.", but nooooooooo, it's just me, right? The stupid, naive little student everyone can toss and turn around at will. Nobody has to respect my wishes and my requests. Whoa, I'm sooooo worked up on all of this bloody stuff.
But hey, it's getting even better.
Yesterday my internetfriend told me that - and now be prepared for the really sick part - crazy boy and crazy girl were reading all my entries in one the message boards I'm posting regularly. And wednesdeay night I made the mistake of mentioning the cheating-thing which I could only know through my internetfriend. So crazy girl got all pissed and stuff and knocked the stuffing out of my internetfriend. Who in turn told me about it yesterday evening. And who told me he'd screwed up royally. Because she never told him she was seriously thinking about cheating on Sebastian but he told me his messed-up version. But being the exception he is he realized it all on his own (you really can take a leaf out of his book, Sebastian), apologized and took all the blame (which is the least he can do).
And the bottom line? Sebastian wants to "check something with me", tried to call me at home (when I'm at fencing - stupid boy, you never got that right, did you?) and wrote me an SMS. Which I never answered. I also got to know that he doesn't believe anything anymore. Well, welcome to my bloody world of lost trust. But no, that's not quite right. He obviously still believes in his own innocence and most of all in the total innocence of the holy bloody girlfriend. Goooood, this makes me like really, really sick.
And the thing that really repels me is that stalker thing they are both pulling. This is just sick. One might say that I found out some things over talking to my internetfriend, but just to clarify that one: I never ever told him to like spy on them or something. Until coming back from Spain I didn't even know he was talking to her. And it was him who blabbed about it, not me pressing him for all the juicy details. And there was a lot of time we didn't hear *anything* from each other. *I* did *not* search the web on a regular basis specifically for any message board entries or stuff by the stalker couple.
But you know what? I bet he will twist and turn everything so that it fits into his sweet little world of denial, making me into the Big Bad and him and his stalker girl into a couple of saints with little wings on their backs and a halo over their heads.
It's eeeeeeeeevil that my internetfriend time and again told me some details of how boredom girl felt in the relationship but it's totally normal to look for my entries in a message boards at least Sebastian knows I consider my virtual home (yeah, that's right - *my* virtual home and domain!). And this is one of the reasons I won't talk to him. I'm fed up with all this twisting and turning and not listening and not admitting and the whole "holier than thou"-attitude. And I feel sick to the bone thinking about the fact that my every step in one of my most favourite message board has been watched by those snivelling bastards. What's this? What sick kick do they get out of this?
No, Mr, you want to talk? Right, in *my* time and on *my* terms. Welcome to the world of anxious waiting and temper tantrums and nervous fits because of being held at bay. Don't you enjoy it like I enjoyed it?
You think I finally lost it, right? Well, let's just say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I can be *very* vengeful when someone hurt me really deep. And boy, did he hurt me. It's time for payback, darling, and I will enjoy every minute of it. And I sincerly hope Sebastian's girlfriend will regain her senses at least *once* and send him to hell in no time. I mean, he doesn't deserve any thought or feeling directed to him but as long as I'm furious as hell I'll make the best out of it.
Oh, and a notice to the stalker couple: If by any chance you got to read this, let me tell you one thing: "Curiosity killed the cat." You go and snivel around in someone's message board entries or blog, you get to read things you never wanted to know. Everything on one's own risk.
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